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Every year your brother
"Clark" swoops in from out of state, brings
your mother a corsage or a box of candy, and
takes everyone out for dinner at the most
expensive restaurant in town. Then he swoops
back out again, leaving your parents in a
happy glow that won't fade for weeks.
Meanwhile, you're still stuck in the daily
grind of making sure they're cared for and
nothing falls through the cracks.
Your sister "Dora," on the other hand, drops
in on your aging parents every month or so.
She hovers around, getting the old folks
agitated and upset, and criticizes everything
from what's planted in the garden to the way
you manage their medicines. When she leaves it
takes days for your parents and your blood
pressure to settle down.
Clark is the golden boy who can do no wrong
(in your parent's eyes, at least). Dora is the
burr that's been under everyone's saddles as
long as you can remember, but neither parent
will ever tell her to either butt out or offer
something useful.
And who are you? If you're reading this,
you're probably the dutiful sun or daughter
who everyone knows will take care of the day
to day stuff so they don't have to worry about
it. Why? Because you always have, and if you
don't, who will?
This doesn't mean you aren't steamed about it.
Maybe you joined a support group to get advice
about how to get your siblings to help out.
You've read everything you can find about
"forging family relationships." All your
"family meetings" and attempts to delegate
have come to naught. You're still going to bed
with a migraine, talking to yourself (and not
using the nicest vocabulary, either), and
trying to find a way to get your siblings to
change.
As much as you hope and scheme, barring divine
intervention the odds of them stepping in and
taking on some useful responsibility for your
aging parents' needs are probably nil. By the
time everyone has reached adulthood their
family roles and personality types are set.
The favorite will always be the favorite. The
negative criticizer will only get more
accomplished at swipes, jabs and backhanded
compliments. You, the always conscientious
one, will continue to take up the reins and
forge ahead.
How we approach this reality is where our true
power lies.
First, we can choose to put down the crushing
burden of trying to change them. Like Sisyphus
pushing that boulder up the mountain, there
will never be an end to the impossible. Choose
to put the boulder down and walk around it.
Second, step back and try to make a realistic,
no-rose-colored-glasses assessment of what
your siblings will and won't do. If the answer
you come up with is "nothing," then "nothing"
it is. Let it go. All the begging, yelling,
negotiating and manipulating in the world
won't change them now. You will never get them
to carry their share of the load. Move
on and don't look back.
Third, go to work developing a real support
system that you can rely on to help take the
load off your shoulders. The most important
thing any caregiver can do is be relentless
about developing a good, supportive care team.
It will take time and effort, and you will
sometimes hit what look like brick walls.
There is always a way around or over. Keep
calling and keep looking. Good people and good
organizations are out there. Every time you
talk to someone new, ask, "Who or what else
should I know about?"
If you are lucky enough to have a strong
family with members who work together toward a
common goal, thank your lucky stars and tell
them how much you appreciate them. If you're
on your own, get thee to the telephone and
start looking for the support and resources
you need to make caring for aging parents
do-able without the migraine. |
