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What Color Is Your Super Cape?
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When someone asks, "What's for dinner?" or, "Did
you pick up my shirts up from the cleaner?" do
you ever get the urge to pound nails into the
drywall with your forehead?
Do you stop on the way home from work to do your
parent's food shopping, pick up her
prescriptions, and stop in for five minutes
which stretches into an hour, which makes dinner
late, which pushes homework supervision into the
evening, which means you'll either be folding
laundry until midnight or washing it again to
get the wrinkles out, which means you'll be
packing lunches at 5:30 in the morning...again?
Just what color is your Super Caregiver Cape,
anyway? And why in the world are you wearing
one?
Many caregivers feel guilty if they treat
themselves as well as the sorriest race horse.
Yet, if they don't, they're going to break down
just as surely as any exhausted old nag.
Professional athletes rest between games. Race
horses get time in the barn between sprints.
Trainers know that their assets won't be worth a
plugged nickel if they don't. They'll simply
keel over if they don't give their bodies and
brains time to heal and rebuild.
Unless you're a fanatic about setting reasonable
limits, just keeping a roof over your head and
raising a family can be a full time job. Adding
the needs of an aging parent or ailing spouse
can push even the most dedicated super-caregiver
over the brink. Little wonder that anger,
depression, and exhaustion often plague
caregivers.
Good parents intuitively know that it's
important to set limits for children. Why, then,
do we have such a hard time setting the same
kind of limits with our needy older family
members?
Probably because deep down inside we'll always
be our parents' children. We learned as kids
that saying "No" to a parent wasn't such a good
idea. Instinctively, most of us still want to
avoid the "Wrath of Dad" (or Mom).
That's why it's so important that as caregivers
we bite that bullet and set limits as early as
possible. The longer we wait, the more we'll
dread it and the harder it will get.
As soon as you discover that you're an elder
caregiver (it takes many by surprise), it's
important to take some time to do an objective
review of your daily work responsibilities, the
needs of your immediate family, your own
personal needs, and the needs of the senior
you're caring for.
On a pad of paper make two lists: "Things I
Want To or Must Do Myself," and "Things I
Could Delegate If My Parent or Spouse Wouldn't
Have Hysterics And If I Didn't Feel So Guilty."
Write everything you can think of on one list or
the other.
Once you have made your two lists, go back to
your second column and scratch out the words, "If
My Parent or Spouse Wouldn't Have Hysterics And
If I Didn't Feel So Guilty."
Now you know what caregiving tasks you could
delegate if you had the nerve, and what you
can't or won't.
This is the time to locate resources that can
help (other family members, volunteers, or paid
services) that can help with your "I Could
Delegate This" list. Add these helpers to your
caregiving team early, and you won't be in a
panic later when you reach your limit and are
desperate for help.
Dread your elder's reaction? Of course. Feel
guilty? You undoubtedly will. Feel anxious about
bringing in someone who might not do things as
well as you would? Surely, but in most cases
good enough is almost always good enough.
Just try to remember that, if you have done
nothing wrong, then there is nothing to feel
guilty about. That "guilty" feeling is probably
really a combination of anxiety about setting
limits and frustration that you weren't born
superhuman.
If you feel so much guilt and anxiety that you
can't bring yourself to delegate some caregiving
responsibilities, visit a caregiver's support
group. You'll find compassionate people who are
walking the same path you are. They can help you
find the strength to do what you have to to stay
emotionally and physically healthy for the long
elder care road you may have ahead.
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