Your father has managed alone for some time, but
it is becoming clear to you that he is beginning
to lose his battle to remain independent. You
think it is time to start talking to him about
moving somewhere where there is more support,
like an assisted living residence.
Your brother says you are over-reacting and that
you father is doing just fine where he is. Your
conversations are becoming heated, and you both
usually end up more angry with each other every
time you talk.
Caring for an aging parent can be lonely and
overwhelming for an only child. But talk to many
caregivers who have siblings and they will tell
you that working together smoothly for the
benefit of a parent is often easier said than
done.
Old family patterns and unresolved issues often
surface in stressful circumstances. We continue
to play out the roles we fell into as children.
The "good child," the "responsible child," the
"favorite child," and the "take charge child"
pick up old battles that were never finished.
Distant siblings may perceive the "caregiver" as
having shut out more distant siblings. The
caregiver may perceive more distant siblings as
uncaring, critical, or "in denial," while he or
she is burdened with all the caregiving
responsibility. An aging parent may continue a
life-long game of playing one child against
another.
Whatever the reasons, families with multiple
siblings often come into conflict about how to
care for an aging parent.
Senior Care Is All About Open
Communication
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It will not be easy to resolve long-standing
conflicts, and it would be unrealistic to think
that progress will be quick. However, the more
difficult family relations can be resolved over
time, the better a family's ability to provide
good care. These steps have proven to help
strained families come together with a common
goal, and that's what it's all about.
1. Have realistic expectations. If you
have a sibling who has never been one to follow
through with anything, it is best not to expect
a miraculous change now. This is the sibling you
will want to keep informed, but not to delegate
any important duties.
If you have a sibling who finds fault with
everything you do, find things to delegate that
don't impact direct care, but that will be
helpful. If the critical sibling can take over
reconciling health insurance payments, balancing
the checkbook, running errands or other
time-consuming and necessary jobs this may be
the best way for him or her to be involved.
2. Expect that you will disagree
There is rarely one absolutely right way, or one
absolutely wrong way, to do something. It is
often the case that siblings who are used to
conflict naturally adopt a "no" attitude when a
sibling presents a different option. Even if it
makes you uncomfortable, sometimes it's worth
giving a new idea an open-minded try. If a
suggestion seems to be too radical, look for a
way to compromise that might satisfy both sides.
If you are disagreeing about a critical care
component, such as whether a parent is still
safe at home, or safe to drive, seek out
competent expert advice from a professional. A
professional assessment from an impartial third
party should be objective, and may offer options
no one has yet considered.
3. Keep each other informed
Poor communication is often a simple consequence
of overwhelm. It can be just "too much" to have
to telephone siblings on a regular basis to keep
them up to date. Distant siblings often mis-interpret
a lack of communication as purposeful reluctance
to keep them informed. These perceptions can
fester and lead to mistrust and resentment on
both sides.
Ask non-caregiving siblings for suggestions
about how to keep the lines of communication
open. Perhaps one sibling can call or email
you on a regular basis, and then pass the
information on, so you don't have to have
multiple conversations. A scheduled conference
call on a regular basis, once or twice a month,
can also be especially useful if everyone sticks
to pre-determined ground rules.
4. Call a family meeting
Arrange a
family meeting if communication continues to
be difficult. With the knowledge of everyone,
ask a trusted outsider to attend as a mediator
so everyone is heard and the meeting stays on
track.
5. Move on.
Ultimately, the only thing we can control is
ourselves and our responses. If there are family
members who continue to refuse to be helpful,
decide how much energy you are willing to put
into maintaining resentment and hurt feelings.
Sometimes, in the interest of self-preservation,
we must decide to move forward alone or without
the help of a hold-out. Actively look for other
support by contacting your local senior center
and your local
Area Agency on Aging for referrals and
support.
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