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When my son was a
very little guy (he's now 6 foot three) my mother gave me a
refrigerator magnet. On it is a picture of a mother hen
lecturing her chicks: "Because I'm your Mother,
that's why!"
More than a few years later, I still have that magnet on the
'fridge.
My own mother is quite a few years older now, too. She'll
be glad to hear that I still think she's pretty independent and
spunky.
But, no matter how
much of my help she may need in the future, I can't say,
"Because I'm the mother!" to her.
When my 4-year old threw a tantrum, I could put him in time out
until he settled down. When he didn't want to take a bath,
I could pick him up and put him in the tub. When he wanted
a BB gun, you can believe I said "absolutely not!"
and, "Because I said so!!!"
I have no problem admitting that, when he got to the scary
teenage years, I checked his room out more than once. I
was blessed to have a good kid and I never found anything to
give me great concern, but you'd better believe I looked.
I won't be able to pick up my mother and put her under my arm
for a bath, and if she wants a BB gun I won't be able to put her
in time out. I certainly can't be checking her house out
for things I might disapprove of.
Your parent is an adult, and deserves the respect of being
spoken to and treated like an adult. He may have become
more "child-like" in some ways, but he isn't a
child.
If you buy into the role reversal of "parenting your
parent," you'll set yourself up for frustration and
disappointment when she won't do as you say, just because you're
making the suggestion.
Unless your parent is truly no longer able to make decisions,
you may have to reconcile yourself to the fact that he may well
make some choices that you don't agree with. Unless he's
in real danger (or is dangerous to others), you may have to
lovingly agree to disagree - at least for the time being.
You'll have to accept that, as long as he's capable of making
them, your not-yet-completely-helpless parent has the right to
make his own decisions. When you do, you'll avoid feeling
guilty for something that's not in your power to manage.
She may be refusing to leave a neighborhood that's changed over
the years, and not for the better. He may tell you he's
eating sandwiches every day because he doesn't want to be
bothered cooking. They may be refusing to hire the cleaning
service you know they need.
If you badger and insist, you run the risk that one of several
unpleasant things could happen:
1. Your parent will sabotage your efforts. She'll
agree to having the cleaning service in order to get you
"off her back," and then find a reason to fire them.
2. Your parent will cut you off completely. You get
meals-on- wheels for him and he's highly insulted. He
orders you out of the house and out of his affairs.
3. Your parent will give in and allow you to take over.
She allows you to sell her house and move her closer to you.
Now you have to drive her everywhere because she doesn't know
the area, and she has no local friends. She ultimately becomes
totally dependent on you, and that probably wasn't your original
intent.
Giving your parent the respect of honoring his choices gives you
the opportunity to come back to try again another day.
Approach him in the spirit of wanting to understand his
reasoning, and why he makes the choices he does.
Maybe you'll have the chance to offer a compromise suggestion.
And maybe you won't. The hardest thing of all is to know
that a parent may be heading into trouble, and you can't do
anything about it. If this is the case for you, then
there's not much you can really do except keep a sharp eye on
things.
What you can do is prepare yourself in case you have to
step in. Depending on the circumstances, make it your
project to check out alternatives ahead of time.
Make sure their neighbors have your telephone number, in case of
emergency. Know who their doctors are. If they live
some distance away, have a back-up plan for your own
family in case you have to make an emergency trip.
Keep
an information file so you have all of the important facts in
one place. A good place to start is with "What You
Absolutely, Positively Need To Know." If you haven't
already, print it out and start filling in the
blanks.
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