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The following is a
condensed version of a letter excerpted from
the mailbag:
Can I legally force my sister to take care
of our mother, who is 95 years old and has
Alzheimer's, at least 2 weekends a month, so I
can have some time for me and share time with
my grandchildren?
No, you can't legally force your sister to
help you care for your mother. Frankly, that's
probably a good thing. Not everyone is
physically or emotionally able to give direct
care to an elderly person. Someone who is
being forced to provide care against their
will is also the person I would worry about
being rough or even potentially abusive.
When you've voluntarily stepped up to the
plate to care for an aging parent it's pretty
easy for siblings to take your sacrifice for
granted. Often their response is, "You're the
one who didn't want to put Mom into a care
facility. We have busy lives, and we can't
take her."
At least, that's honest! If your siblings are
honest enough to say what they're thinking,
you know where you stand. It's far more
frustrating when they make repeated promises
that they don't keep. That can keep you
hanging and hoping until you eventually crash
and burn.
Every caregiver needs time off. If your family
members won't give you the help you need, it's
time to forget about getting help from that
quarter and start investigating your other
options.
Because taking care of someone at home is
much, much less costly than facility care,
perhaps your sister would be more receptive to
helping you pay for some respite care if your
mother's income and savings won't stretch that
far. When it comes to money, though, don't
count on it.
If it's not important that your time off be on
a Saturday or a Sunday, consider trying an
adult day activities program if there's
one not too far away. If your mother is able
to get out of the house and qualifies to
attend, it would be good mental and physical
stimulation for her, too. Most attendees
"hated" their day programs on the first visit,
and now "hate" the days when they
aren't scheduled to go.
If a day care program isn't an option, then
bringing in a caregiver for a few hours or a
day on a regular basis is another option. Yes,
this will also cost some money, but it is far
less expensive than a mental/physical
breakdown, which is where you could be heading
without some help. Here's some more
information about non-medical home care
that you might find helpful.
Check with your local
Alzheimer's Association about respite
programs they may sponsor. Some local
affiliates have free or low cost programs that
will cover several hours every month. For
readers whose loved ones don't have
Alzheimer's Disease or a related dementia,
check with the Alzheimer's Association anyway.
They often know of other respite programs in
your area which could be helpful.
Another good resource for information about
support in your local community is your senior
center. Someone with advanced dementia is not
a good candidate for senior center activities,
but their staff will often be knowledgeable
about what else could be available to you.
If possible, try to first use your mother's
money to pay for any support services you
decide to use for her. It is so important that
you preserve your own retirement savings so
your own grown children won't be facing these
same dilemmas if you need help when you are
older.
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