Anyone who has concerns should call a meeting. Often the person
who is already providing day-to-day help calls the meeting.
Sometimes the son or daughter who lives at a distance wants a
meeting because he or she feels out of the loop. Or family
members may have gathered because a parent is hospitalized with
a serious illness.
Who Should Attend A Family Meeting?
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You're going to be talking "about" your parent or
parents. It's best, at the first one or two meetings, to meet
without them so that everyone can speak honestly without
worrying about hurting or offending them. Once you have a clear
understanding of where everyone in the group is "coming
from" and you've all agreed to an initial plan, then bring
your elders in if he, she or they can understand and
participate. You may decide that it would be better to appoint
one or more members to talk privately with your parents, rather
than have them at a group meeting where they might feel like
they're being called before the supreme court.
If your family is scattered, and asking them to travel for a
meeting isn't realistic, a telephone conference call is the next
best thing.
What Should Be On A Family Meeting
Agenda?
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Whatever is causing concern is a valid item for the agenda. Most
families first come together because 1) the primary caregiver is
wearing out and needs help; 2) finances or bill-paying are a
concern; 3) there has been a medical emergency and plans need to
be made.
If you have time for preparation, the person organizing the
meeting can ask everyone to make a list of their three most
important concerns. Arrange them in order of critical importance
and re-submit them to the group for their agreement. This way,
everyone knows that their concerns will be addressed. Try to
keep the list to more than three or four critical items for the
first meeting. You'll find that it works better to table the
rest for another meeting so you won't be trying to cover too
much at one time.
If most of the group don't ultimately agree that one of your
issues is a critical concern for the first meeting, be willing
to listen and compromise. If your concern is #6 or #7 on the
list, take comfort in knowing that it will eventually be on the
agenda. Sometimes slow and steady wins the race.
Type up the agenda for the first meeting and, if you can, let
everyone have a copy before your meeting. If information or
resources need to be researched, ask for volunteers or assign
each member a subject to research and have them bring their
results to the meeting. Plan on having copies for everyone of
any doctor's reports or other professional evaluations.
Where Should We Hold A Family Meeting?
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The Holiday table isn't a good place. If the family usually gets
along fairly harmoniously and there aren't any long-standing
conflicts, someone's home is fine. If you've all come together
because of a hospitalization, often you can request to use a
conference room in the hospital. Ask the social worker to set
this up. If you think there might be personality conflicts or
arguments, a public setting is often the better choice. Maybe
you can reserve a private dining room.
If past history leads you to believe that there might be
conflicts, a neutral third party experienced in leading a group
is a good idea. The family pastor, a social worker, or an
experienced elder care professional can help to keep things on
track and can also offer more resources. Never surprise your
family group with an outsider. Let them know ahead of time that
this is what you plan to do.
Wherever you meet, ask everyone to turn off cell phones, put the
answering machine on, have someone else watch the children, and
dedicate their attention.
How Do We Structure A Family Meeting?
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Ideally you shouldn't have more than 6 or 7 people at a family
meeting or it becomes unwieldy. Plan for no more than an hour
and a half. Longer than that and your structure will begin to
break down as people get tired.
Agree on the ground rules. No interrupting. If necessary, use a
timer so everyone gets a chance to address the question on the
table. If any member of the group disagrees, the argument should
be made during his or her time to speak.
Try to stay on topic. If you don't have a professional helping
you, assign the most level-headed member of your group to be the
"taskmaster" who can gently bring the discussion back
on track if it goes astray.
Try to reach agreement on each item before you move on to the
next one on the list. Otherwise, you'll find your meeting ending
with no resolution and no battle plan. If the group can't agree
on a final solution, find a compromise you can try for a few
weeks before you meet again.
Assign one person to be "communicator." The
communicator should write a brief summary of the meeting and
send it via email or snail mail to everyone. If family members
have volunteered to do something, that should be included in the
summary. That way there won't be any misunderstandings.
Family meetings are the perfect way for everyone in the family
to be included in the important decisions that have to be made.
You may even come up with a plan that looks perfect to everyone
in the room. But remember ... the person you're talking about
and planning for isn't there and hasn't been consulted yet. He
or she has the ultimate right to make the final decisions as
long as incompetence isn't an issue.
