How Can I Get Dad To Do
Things For Himself?

My father is 90 years old and I am an only child (just turned 49 years old) my mother died 12 years ago. Although he still lives in his own cottage, I have cared for him ever since. My trouble is that he smothers me (always has) and I absolutely hate it. He had a doting mother who spoilt them all totally and then my mum did the same. I do everything for him, pay the bills, cook, clean, bath him, shopping and the only time he will do anything is with me. He totally refuses help from anyone else and only wants to mix with me. Although he is very fit, when he's on his own in his own house he will not do anything. He gets up in the morning and just sits in the chair.

His only contact with the outside world is through me and it is driving me mad and making me ill. We bicker constantly because he will not wash, shave or even ring any of his remaining six brothers or sisters - he's always too tired! But on a Sunday (and any other day I offer to take him out) he's out of the house like a flash. I'm at the end of my tether, not sure if he needs a psychiatrist. The doctor is sympathetic but cannot help. Please advise I'm desperate.

Well, well, well. As the saying goes, you cannot be made a doormat if you don't lie down. It sounds like the women in your family have been door-mats for several generations, and you have been carrying on the tradition.

He probably needs some firm boundaries more than he needs a psychiatrist.

Although it may be difficult to change old patterns, it is not impossible for either of you. If your father is mentally able you can begin to set your own limits. Take some quiet time and analyze what you believe he is able to do. Pick one task you think he is most able to do and begin with that. Let's use bathing and putting on fresh clothing as an example, as it sounds like he could do this if he chose. Simply inform him calmly that you expect him to bathe and dress himself. If he does not, then you will not be able to take him out. Then calmly stick to your position through thick and thin.

He will most likely not bathe, as he will believe that he can wear you down and you will give in. His past experience has shown him that this is so. When the weekend rolls around, and you do not take him out, he will begin to become anxious and angry. You must absolutely to refuse to argue. Simply state your position again and leave it at that. When he attempts to bicker, let him know politely that you don't wish to argue. Leave the cottage if necessary. You might have to put up with him becoming rather stinky for a time.

If he needs see the the doctor, take him unwashed if necessary and explain why to the doctor.

This might take several weeks, but eventually you should see improvement with this task. Initially he will probably do a very poor job at bathing, just to annoy you and to prove he cannot do it. Or, he will eventually cooperate once, and then backslide to test you. Children use the same tactic all the time. Ignore it. But if he isn't clean, then he gets no reward. After he is consistently bathing (our example), then move on to the next task you would like him to do for himself. Always reward good behavior by giving him the reward he has earned (going out, as an example). Never talk down or treat him as a child. Rather, be matter of fact about what you need him to do, and do your best to keep your emotions well under control.

You may scream when you are well away.

This technique is called behavior modification and it is effective at any age if applied consistently. It will be harder for you than it will be for him. The secret is to focus on one behavior at a time and understand that he will test your limits again and again. If you retreat even one time, or attempt to change too many things at once, it probably won't work.