Caring For Dad Is
Killing Our Mother

My father is only 72 but he is almost bedridden with Parkinson's. Someone has to be with him all the time. The worst of it is that he used to be a nice guy, but in the last few years he's gotten mean and nasty and paranoid. He won't let anyone except my mother take care of him. We kids try to help but he screams at us and won't let us in the room. My mother is sick from the stress. Her blood pressure is through the roof and she has back problems now. She can't make him see reason, and this is going to kill her soon.

Your mother's situation is certainly impossible and you are right that if she continues this way she will end up dying before your father or needing care herself for the rest of her life. People with Parkinson's Disease and other debilitating, progressive diseases often do become frightened, depressed and angry at the unfairness of their situation. Understanding this doesn't make the behavior any easier to take, though.

Before his next visit your mother should privately alert your father's Parkinson's doctor to the personality changes she is seeing. There are treatments and therapies that may help your father with anxiety and depression, which are very common with Parkinson's Disease. As he is nearly bedridden he might qualify for some help from a Medicare homecare agency. If so, the doctor can order this. There are also private non-medical home care services that will send assistance on a regular basis so your mother can have the break she needs. But it's going to be up to your mother to stand firm about needing help with your father's care.

She will undoubtedly have to endure several verbal tongue-lashings before your father will accept help from anyone else. Eventually, if she will remain firm, your father will have to give in. Can you go with your mother to her next doctor's appointment? Her doctor will talk with her about how important it is for her to maintain her own health for the sake of both of them.

If you can find a Parkinson's Disease caregiver support group nearby it could be very helpful for your mother to talk with others who are going through the same sorts of things. One of you grown children could offer to stay with your father while she attends. You will also probably be in for a scene if you do. You should be better able to cope with this than your mother at first. When she returns, if she sees that everyone survived, she will be more likely to go again.

In the end it will all come down to how strong your mother can be in standing up for her own rights and needs. If she gives in again and again, the situation will simply go from bad to worse until she has a health crisis.