"You Shouldn't Feel Guilty." How many of us have heard these four little words from the well-meaning friend or counselor? And they're so helpful to hear, aren't they?

When as an eight-year-old I "borrowed" a dollar from my mother's purse I felt guilty, even though I don't think she ever noticed. And rightfully so - I should have felt guilty. I knew I had done something terribly wrong - knew it while I was doing it and did it anyway. The guilt I felt was justified. I hadn't lived up to the standards my parents expected of me. I was ashamed.

Guilt is the emotion we feel when we know we've done something wrong. If guilt is truly justified, then we SHOULD feel guilt or shame.

If you're doing the best you can...you're not stealing from your elder, neglecting your elder, or abusing your elder, then why do you always feel "guilty?" Are you really ashamed, or is it something else?

You could be feeling a lot of different things. If you haven't done anything to feel ashamed of, you're probably feeling something else and calling it guilt.

We would all be far better off if we could get "guilt" out of the  closet and call it by it's real name. In my experience, if we can  name what's *really* happening, then we can deal with it.

What We May Really Be Feeling

Feeling Sad: I'm sad that my elder is growing older and more frail, and I can't stop time, no matter what I do. I feel sad for both my elder and for me, because I am...

Feeling Helpless: Deep inside I know I'm going to lose this war, even if I win a lot of battles. I don't like having to give up control to forces greater than me. Feeling helpless also leaves me...

Feeling Angry: Doctors don't call me back, my siblings aren't helping, and the dog just threw up on the rug. I'm snapping at everyone. I'm...

Feeling Exhausted: There's never enough time in the day to do the things I should do, much less the things I want to do. I never get enough sleep. My boss is giving me "the look," and I'm...

Feeling Trapped: I promised to keep my elder at home. If I keep my promise I see no end to this stress until I end up in the hospital, or worse. If I break my promise my life may be easier (or maybe not) but my elder will never forgive me.

The Cycle of Guilt

When we think we have something to feel guilty about, the cycle goes something like this:

I feel guilty.
I feel guilty, so that must mean I'm not a good caregiver.
I shouldn't feel guilty - I'm doing the best I can.
I feel guilty about feeling guilty.

...and so on. This is a paralyzing and totally useless spiral that leads nowhere but down.

Correctly Name the Feeling And Then You Can Do Something Positive With It

Feeling Sad: There is truth in the sadness you're feeling. You're living the loss of an elder as it's happening, and you're anticipating the loss even before it happens. Only time may reduce the sadness you feel. Acknowledge it as the true sadness it is. If you find your sadness affects your ability to also feel joy in your life, find someone to talk to.

Feeling Helpless: You won't win the life/death war, but you can make an elder's last days or years better than they would have been without you. Every load of laundry you do, every joke you share, every phone call you make helps both you and your elder, even if your elder can't recognize or appreciate your efforts.

Feeling Angry: Anger is a great motivator to make changes that may really be needed. Change doctors if you can't get the information you need. Call a family meeting if your siblings aren't helping. Even if they still won't help you've gone on record about what you need and they'll have no legs to stand on when you make other arrangements). Find a support group where everyone will know exactly what you're talking about because they've been there. About that dog -- you'll have to figure that one out yourself.

Feeling Exhausted: GET HELP. I repeat, get help. Of course no one will care for your elder they way you would. That doesn't mean the care won't be "good enough." Get help.

Feeling Trapped: Hear this...promises made in ignorance are never, ever valid promises. You couldn't make the promise to "never put you in a nursing home" because you had no way of knowing whether you could keep your promise. When you know you have done your best to keep your "promise," and you know it is time to look at other alternatives, then you have done everything you can do. Your elder may or may not accept that you have done all you can do. This may well make you sad (frustrated, angry, name your feelings). It doesn't make you guilty.

Re-label your *guilt* and call it by it's real name.