What if my mother falls? What if my father trips again when he takes out the garbage? What if she can't answer the phone? What if the electricity goes out? What if she has another dizzy spell? He/She isn't safe there alone - who knows what could happen!

Does worry about your parents living alone keep you up nights? Do you want them to move to a "safer" place with more help now that they are getting older? Do you feel guilty all the time that they still live at home and you can't do enough to be sure they're safe?

What every healthy family needs is a carefully crafted balance. When an aging parent truly cannot manage important activities, stepping in to offer help - or offering to assist with finding help -  is the right thing to do. When a parent is capable of managing a task, even if only with effort, it can be damaging both to his health and his self-esteem to take that independence away, even if there may be a risk involved.

Too much "safety," and doing too much for aging parents can be just as detrimental to an aging parent as not doing enough and assuming some risks.

Our parents treasure their independence as much as we do. To lose their independence is to lose the identity they have worked hard to develop throughout their lives. Suggesting that a parent give up his cherished independence in the interest of more safety often leads to anger, depression, and increasing dependence - just the outcomes caring sons and daughters want to avoid.

The aging body needs to move just as much as a younger persons body. If we eliminate the need to move around, even at the risk of a trip or a fall, we encourage vegetating in that recliner. Muscles that aren't used will weaken, leading to more falls or to a greater susceptibility to pneumonia and other infections. More outcomes that caring sons and daughters want to avoid.

So, before you urge your parent to move to where someone else will take care of everything, ask yourself several questions:

• Are the dangers I'm worrying about real and imminent, or am I creating "what if" scenarios in my head?

• Do I want my parent to move because it makes me feel guilty to see my parent struggle, even though he can ultimately do these things if he has to?

• If we honestly talked about it, would my parent willingly accept the moderate risk of having an accident at home rather than moving to a "safer" environment?

Although safety is certainly important, most seniors will tell you that the quality of their remaining years is much more important to them than the quantity of the time they have remaining. While we certainly don't want our parents to die prematurely, if given the choice our parents for the most part don't want to live more years in a cushy institutional environment that isn't, and never will be, home.

Obviously, if your parent is no longer able to truly understand the possible consequences of these decisions, then you probably have to step in. However, if your parent rationally understands the potential ramifications of choosing moderate risk at home over safety somewhere else . . . which can never be guaranteed . . . it is his right.

In this case, your best bet would be to focus on your parent's strengths. Applaud and reinforce these so they remain strengths. Help her examine her weaknesses and find resources to support her with those, and honor her by accepting her decisions as right for her at this point in time. You can certainly express your concerns. Plan to revisit the issue every six months or so, or sooner if something happens.

Help parents who insist on remaining at home to safety proof the house to the extent they will permit. Offer them contact information for local housekeeping, yard maintenance, and other support services. Urge a single parent to use an emergency response service, just in case.

The hardest part of this plan will be to accept that you have no obligation to become a personal assisted living/nursing home provider to your parent in her own home, and that you have no guilt if an accident does happen. If your parent understands that a broken hip may mean losing the ability to make his own long-term living choices, so be it.

However, in the interest of good planning, even if your parent won't consider a move now, it would behoove you to check out a few local facilities, just in case.