Caregiving for an elderly person is very often an emotional mixed bag. Along with feelings of satisfaction and reward we can have feelings of  resentment that we're doing it all alone, that we aren't appreciated, and that we're losing our lives to caregiving. It's normal, of course, but it's also not particularly helpful. Here's some expert information about helping ourselves crawl out of the black hole of resentment that we can all fall into from time to time. 

Resentment: Avoiding the Toll it Can Take
by Zanda Hilger, LPC

Resentment for many caregivers is very real, although they are reluctant to acknowledge or talk about it. It just does not seem right to resent caregiving. But the truth is that many caregivers resent the disease of the care receiver, having to take on the task of caregiving, the health care system, lack of or over-involvement of siblings, step children who don't help with their own parent, or even resenting the person that they care for.

If you don't find ways to cope, resentment can take a heavy toll. The most important coping skill for dealing with resentment is to acknowledge that you are resentful.

How do you recognize resentment? It may come disguised as anger, guilt, feeling helpless, anxiety, depression, headaches, health problems, blaming others, and feeling overwhelmed with your life.

A caregiver had a lot to say about resentment at a recent hospital support group of employees and community members. She talked about often feeling resentful because she no longer felt that she had control over her own life. This comment stirred comments from almost everyone else in the group and led to the list below for avoiding the high toll of resentment.

1. Get the facts - What are the needs (not necessarily whims) of the person you care for? Try to meet those needs, realizing that you cannot make someone well or happy.

2. Education - Learn about the disease(s) so you can understand the experience of the care receiver. Build confidence in your role in disease management, recognizing symptoms, and interacting with doctors and other health providers.

3. Accept the Situation - Denying the situation or trying to change people or situations you cannot control only adds more resentment.

4. Positive Statements or Affirmations - Help neutralize resentment by repeating positive thoughts and action that work for you until they become a habit. Notice how your thinking and feelings are changing. Examples include (not all sources can be verified)

"It is what it is."

"I didn't cause it. I can't change it. I can cope with it."

"The more I understand myself the more compassion I have."

"The Serenity Prayer: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Excerpt from Reinhold Niebuhr.  

5. Empathy - How would you feel if you were living the life of the person you care for? How would you deal with it? This does not mean getting caught up in the drama of the disease and living the disease with him or her.

6. Detachment - Step back from the situation in your mind and look at it as someone would who was not you. Walking out of the room or changing where you are sitting or standing can also have surprising results.

7. Deep Breathing - Take a few deep breaths throughout the day and especially when you are stressed, feeling resentful or any of the negative emotions of caregiving. A few deep breaths will also give you more physical energy.

8. Take Care of Your Health - 

Health care and medications, if needed - Get a thorough medical examination and report any symptoms that may be keeping you from coping as well as you like: mood, eating, sleeping, energy, and general attitude, even if the doctor does not ask. Ask about vitamins. If medications are prescribed, take them and let the doctor monitor them.

Exercise - Walk when you can, park away from store entrances so that you walk more. Go to a public place and walk the malls alone or with a friend or loved one when the weather is too hot, cold, wet or windy.

Eat the right foods including fresh fruits and vegetables and reduce fats and carbohydrates. This will not only give you energy and mange weight but will avoid the ups and downs of a poor diet.

9. Set Limits and Boundaries - You cannot do it all yourself and it is okay to say no or limit what you do, even for the care receiver. Don't feel guilty for setting limits. Get help from professionals, the community, friends and family.

"What is the worst that can happen if (you do)(you do not do) _________?" Ask yourself this question about many of the things you do that may cause resentment. Are you over-caring and overdoing and need to set better limits and boundaries?

10. Find a Balance - How can you meet your needs and also your responsibilities? You do deserve a life. Do you set too high a standard for yourself and others?

11. Release the Need to Control - So much of caregiving is outside of your control, so do what you can and avoid becoming a "martyr."

12. Be Your Own Best Friend - Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you cared about.

13. Have Someone to Talk to - Talk to friends, get counseling, and join a support group.

14. Take Action - Being resentful will not make it better. Learn new ways to cope. Remember the saying, "If you always do what you always have done, you will always get the same result."

Other Ideas:

A: The behavior of the person you care for is not personal. It usually comes from pain, fear and frustration about the situation she or he cannot control.

B: Set realistic expectations of yourself and others.

C: Use community and health resources.

D: Avoid being a lonely caregiver cut off from others who truly understand your experience and want to learn from you and share what they know.

The internet is a rich source of information about caregiving with blogs and forums by caregivers for caregivers. One entry on a chronic disease forum said about resentment and dealing with it: "I do get resentful sometimes. And I've learned it's OK." Now use these techniques to deal with it.

For a schedule of support groups and caregiver education go to www.familycaregiversonline.com/schedule.asp for a schedule of sessions. We also link to the Alzheimer's Association education and support groups. The site includes education and many resources about caregiving.

Free caregiver education and support groups can be provided in churches, libraries, senior centers, companies and civic groups. Individual caregiver counseling may also be available through your local Area Agency on Aging. Contact Zanda Hilger at (817) 929-3535, call 2-1-1-, your local Area Agency on Aging, or local Aging and Disability Resource Center (ADRC).

Reprinted with generous permission from Generations, the News Source for the Aging Community, Vol. 2, Issue 12, Aug. - Sept. 2009.

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