If you've been caring for a while, you've heard the drill: "Remember to take care of yourself." "Many caregivers get sick or even die before the senior they're caring for."

Respite, a short period of rest or relief, is something all living things need. Sleep is a form of respite, and every caregiver needs at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep without listening with one ear for the baby monitor. Freedom from the stress of watching the clock and worrying so you can enjoy a few hours of downtime to re-charge your mental batteries is respite. When you're simply exhausted, and need more than a few hours to rest, regroup, or take care of personal needs, you need respite.

Easier said than done, of course. Most caregivers feel guilty even thinking about taking time away from caregiving. If we don't feel sufficiently guilty, the senior will often do her best to personally jack up the guilt quotient. Weeping and gnashing of teeth is not unusual.

Most of us caregivers who most desperately need respite are trying to provide care at home: either in our home, or to keep our senior(s) in their own home. We need respite because we don't have the staff of an assisted living residence or a nursing home to provide care when we can't. Even when we're not there, we're mentally on 24/7 call, and that's exhausting.

Our elders don't want anyone but us. Companionship/aid help is "a stranger in my home." Adult day programs are, "for those old people." Nothing will do but having the son/daughter/spouse to do what needs to be done.

Not so, of course. We all know in our hearts that someone else could do a great deal of what we do. It's the notion of upsetting our elder that often keeps us from getting that much-needed break so we can keep caregiving without a total flame-out.

For those of you who have children, think back to that first day of kindergarten. (For those of you who don't . . . pretend). Children were weeping, and some parents were distraught. The experienced teacher peeled all the children off their parents' thighs and herded the parents out of the room. She then proceeded to close the door and settle the children down, and most had a good day. She did what had to be done with compassion and love. By the end of the year just about every child in the room was used to going to school, comfortable with the routine, and in love with his or her kindergarten teacher.

It's the same with respite for a senior.

Whether it's a few hours once a week at home, regular attendance at a day program, or for a week or more at a residential facility, your elder will probably HATE the idea. That's OK. Kids hate kindergarten, too, and everyone survives. Your elder will, too.

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