As caregivers, whether for our children or our elderly, our success is measured not by how much we can do for the other person, but by how much we are able to help that person gain or maintain independence.

Everything that your child or your aging loved one is able to do independently is a victory for you, their caregiver.

Most of us are giving care to our elderly out of a combined sense of love and duty. The dilemma is, sometimes our sense of love and duty can sweep us past the point where we are truly being helpful. Do you find yourself doing things for your parent or your spouse that you know they could really do for themselves, even if it takes great effort and might not be done as well as you could do it?

"Use it, or lose it" is a cliché. It's a cliché because it's universally true when it comes to our bodies. If we don't use the abilities we have, they will deteriorate, until we truly are too weak, too unstable, too dependent to do what we used to be able to do. For an older person, regaining that which has been lost is much, much more difficult than retaining and building on what is still there. As a caregiver, don't make the mistake of allowing that which is still there to slowly bleed away from disuse.

You may feel "guilty" as you watch your parent struggle to get up from his chair. You will be doing him no favors if you offer to bring him whatever he is after. If it takes your mother half an hour to make a sandwich, allow her the satisfaction of making it her way, even if it makes you crazy to watch her deliberations.

Empower your older loved one to all the independence he or she can handle by:

1. Expecting that they will do what they are able to do and allow them to make decisions accordingly. Most people will do their best to rise to other peoples' expectations if they can feel good about the results. This means you may cringe when your father chooses to wear his rattiest old shirt, but unless you're going out somewhere special you won't criticize his choice of wardrobe if he's still dressing himself. You will thank your mother for putting the dishes in the dishwasher, even if she doesn't see the crumbs on the counter and brushes half of them onto the floor.

2. Identifying strengths and matching them with what needs to be done. If your mother can't stand at the stove to cook, ask her to snap the beans, tear the lettuce, slice the carrots, or teach you how to make her favorite casserole. Dad may not remember how to change the oil, but he may still be able to sling a sponge right along with you as you wash the car.

3. Being willing to take a few risks. Your parent will probably tell you he would rather take the risk of falling than move. You may want to stop and re-think before you move your parent to a nursing home because he's fallen once or twice (without serious injury) at his assisted living residence. His chances of falling in a nursing home are just as high, and his quality of life may be much lower. On the other hand, you certainly may want to help him get bathroom safety equipment, a personal alarm system, and help him regain his balance by arranging a few sessions with a physical therapist. Then he'll be safer and more independent wherever he lives.

Rather than attempting to eliminate all risks and difficulties from your care recipient's life, consider that trying to eliminate risk also reduces independence. Soon enough you may have to step up to the plate and assume responsibility for things they truly cannot do any more. In the meantime, "good enough for government work" should apply.