Sometimes, no matter how much you do or what you try, it's never going to be "good enough" for your elder. It's a truism that you can't make someone else happy - only they can do that. We know it in our heads, but it's hard to make our hearts understand when every response we get is negative. Here's a question from the mailbag that touches on this classic problem...

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 I wonder if you have articles or tips you can give my sister. She has lived with our mother for 10 years and it is not a happy arrangement but necessary. My Mother, 92, is never happy about what my sister fixes for meals even though she tries to do what mom requests. No matter what it is, it is wrong, doesn't taste good, tough, etc. I hear my sister say "I just want to try to make her happy," although we both know this is not going to happen. What can my sister do to get out of this terrible dance they do...I live far away and feel powerless when I suggest things.

Thank you for your newsletter. I look forward to it and it really helped solved our bath issues with my mom. I hired someone to do that chore and it is has made a wonderful difference for my mom.
                                                                                                                                                                                          
Answer:  What you describe is very common, which doesn't make it any easier to live with!

I'm willing to bet that this "dance" they both do is not a new development in their relationship. It becomes a habit to fall into the familiar routine when one dance partner (Mom) fires up the music. The trick is to decline to dance.

Right now, your sister is letting off steam by venting to you. Your best response is to just listen. Offering her "solutions" she isn't ready to implement will simply frustrate both of you. You'll recognize the, "yes...but" response. When she says, "Yes...but," you know that your suggestion may be right for you, but it isn't right for her AT THIS MOMENT. Maybe later.

When she's ready, your sister's best option is to say simply, "This is all we have right now, but you can have a bowl of cereal if you'd prefer." Then refuse to engage in a discussion about whether it's what Mom asked for or how the meal came out. When everyone is finished eating, clear up. Ask Mom if she's done with her plate and take it away when she says, "Yes," whether she's eaten as much as you think she should or not.

Getting into a back-and-forth about things is entertaining. When it's not entertaining any more because there's no "back" to your "forth," eventually she won't want to play any more. It's like playing tug-of-war alone. If no one pulls on the other end, there's nothing to pull against. You get tired of dragging a limp rope around.

It may be that your mother's manner is the only way she knows to get attention. If she admits that she's pleased about something, then she may not get the same amount of attention she would get if she fusses. Making it a point to spend positive time with her when she's being pleasant, and leaving the room when she's being a "pill" are behavioral techniques that work with any age. It's no fun being a "pill" without an audience.

And by the way, since putting Mom in control is obviously not working, I'd stop being the short-order cook and stop asking Mom to choose the menu. I'd ask her what one thing she'd especially like to eat "next week," and then shop according to what you feel like cooking the other six days (keeping dietary and other restrictions in mind, of course). Couldn't do any
worse!