Unless you're an expert at setting limits, working full time, keeping your home from being overcome by sludge, and raising a family can stretch even the strongest among us to the brink. Add care of an aging parent or other relative into the mix and you may soon find that you've fallen over the edge. The last time I checked there were only 24 hours in a day, and each of us could only be in one place at a time. Little wonder that we sometimes get exhausted, angry, and depressed.

Parents learn early in the game that setting limits for their children is necessary for everyone's sanity, and essential for the development of the child. We don't carry a child when he is capable of walking. We rejoice when she learns to feed herself, but we don't let her determine the menu. When we need to get out alone with our spouse or our friends, we hire a trustworthy babysitter in spite of our child's protests.

Why, then, do we have such a hard time setting the same kind of limits with our older family members?

You'll Be Your Parents' Child Forever

Probably because deep inside we're still the "child" in the relationship, even if we've taken over the duties and responsibilities of the adult. As children, when we said "No" to a parent, or teacher, or to any adult for that matter, the immediate response was disapproval or even punishment. We learned that saying "No" was not acceptable.

We tend to take those lessons into adulthood without thinking about them. Deep down inside, Dad remains Dad, whether he's 30 or 90. And whether we're 20 or 60, we're Mom's child until the day she draws her last breath.

That's why it's so often hard to set limits with older family members. And that's why it's so important that we do set limits as early as possible. The longer we wait, the more difficult it becomes.

Unless there has been an accident or a sudden illness, the amount of time and energy you spend in elder caregiving will creep up with time. As soon as you discover that you have become a caregiver (it does take many people by surprise), make a few quiet moments for yourself and do a realistic review of your daily work load, the needs of your spouse and your children, and your own personal needs.

Decide Now How You'll Cope Later

Decide what you can honestly commit to doing, and what you cannot. If there are things that need to be done that you aren't able to do, this is the time to locate local resources (other family members, paid, or volunteer) that can help. If you add these resources to your caregiving team early on you won't alarm your elder later when you've reached your limit and have to insist on help.

You will hear people say, "Don't feel guilty about setting limits," or "You shouldn't feel anxious about making your parent 'mad'."

 Of course you will feel guilty. Of course you will feel anxious. This is to be expected, because we're not "supposed" to say no to our parents, remember? That's the child in us talking, and we all have that child inside in us to some degree.

Just try to remember that if you haven't done anything wrong, then there is nothing to feel guilty about. What you are actually feeling is probably more a combination of anxiety about setting limits and frustration that you aren't superhuman and therefore you must set limits.

If your "guilt" and anxiety are such that you find yourself backsliding, visit a caregiver's group where you will find real understanding and support. It can make all the difference in how well you stick to your plan, and how healthy you will remain on the long caregiving road ahead.