A lot of older folks with confusion go through a stage of "wanting to go home." No matter how often they're told they are at home, they don't seem to recognize it as home. No matter how poor their memory, the desire to "go home" crops up over and over, and there's no diverting it.

No one can really get inside the thoughts and emotions of someone with medium to later stages of a dementing illness. The experts are probably getting fairly close to the truth when they say the present is becoming more and more strange, unfamiliar and frightening.

The desire to go home is probably the same desire you or I would have if we found ourselves in a strange and unreasonable place. We would want to go back to the home we remember as safe, secure, and predictable. For the dementia patient this home is most often the home of their childhood, where they were surrounded by their parents and other loved ones. These are the people they remember most clearly, as their more recent memories are slowly eaten away.

The "home" they are usually looking for isn't any particular house. Many would not recognize the house if you took them there. It's the lost feelings of warmth, security, strength and optimism of childhood and youth that they seem to yearn for.

So what do you do when the person you care for is obsessed with wanting to go home?

First, try not to argue about whether your loved one is "home." If he or she doesn't recognize it as "home" at that moment, then for that moment it isn't home.

Then, try diversion. Sometimes it actually works. Try going out for a short walk, or a drive. There's a real chance that, on coming back in the door, it may look like home again. For a while.

Other diversions might be the chores that have to be finished before doing anything else. Try to engage your loved one in drying dishes, folding towels, dusting, making a sandwich or tearing coupons from the paper. Often the engaged person will forget about going home for a time.

Keep a photograph album handy for a diverting conversation. Sometimes looking at pictures from their childhood and being given the chance to reminisce will ease a feeling of anxiety. Avoid asking questions about the picture or the past. Try to make comments: "That looks like Uncle Harold. Grandmother told me about the time he...."

A reassuring hug while you're doing these things can't hurt. A neck rub or a back massage can be relaxing, reassuring and diverting. We almost all like to be touched in these ways.

Put those things that are reminders about going home out of sight. Hats, coats and purses can trigger the idea of going home.

Sometimes the sight of the family car can trigger the need to leave. If this is the case, try parking it out of sight. If you must park on the street, ask the neighbor a few houses down if you can park there.

If your elder with dementia is constantly bound and determined to go home, one of the first things you must do is take precautions against him or her wandering outside alone when you aren't looking. Door alarms or deadbolts placed high on the frame can reduce the chance of wandering. Even if your elder has never wandered, and you don't think it's a danger, secure your doors if he or she is ambulatory. The first time could be the last deadly time.

Keep a log. You might find that certain times of the day are worse than others. What is the common denominator about these times? Is it near mealtimes (a snack might help). Is it during times when the environment is noisier than usual? Is it later in the day when shadows are creeping in? If you see a pattern, you can take steps to lessen or avoid some of the triggers.

Routine is your friend. As much as possible try to do the same thing at the same time of day, every day. The person with dementia doesn't manage "spontaneous" very well, as that usually demands a flexibility they no longer have. The need for the safety of routine is why you will see the same thing, at the same time, every single  day on the activity chart in an Alzheimer's residence. Sameness and predictability are reassuring.

Wanting to go home is one of the most frustrating behaviors for caregivers. It will eventually pass. In the meantime, if all else fails, and as a last resort, ask the doctor about medications for reducing anxiety. They can help immensely.